Goodbye for Now
by veiland
Summary: One-Shot scene from Change in the Wind, to be read after Chapter 8: God Hates Me. Joe's last weekend at home before disappearing for a year.


**A/N: This is another scene I couldn't fit anywhere within ****_Change in the Wind. _It's not as important as _I Ran Over a Rabbit _****but it answers some questions, like how Steph knew where Joe was. This picks up from the end of Joe's POV in Chapter 8: _God Hates Me._ Enjoy!**

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**Goodbye for now**

**Joe's POV**

Friday afternoon and I'm headed back to New Jersey. The past three days in Fairfax have given me a lot to consider. I'm on a task force so secret, so dangerous, that **no** one knows each other's real names. I answer to an outside consultant and a member of this country's Cabinet. I'll be undercover for an entire year and I have a new name, new papers, and a complete back story, including high school yearbook entries, a fake service record and great commendations.

I'm taking down federal agents.

I have to duck sociopathic gang members.

I'm being 'handled' by a crazed mercenary.

I'll be undercover for an entire year, no room for mistakes.

I need to go see my mother and I need to update my will. I need to been seen in the 'Burg; that way people won't be able to pinpoint precisely where I've been, what I've been doing, or when I left. I need to stop at my desk and retrieve some things, if I still have a desk, and spend some time with my brothers in blue. I call my attorney from the PBA and ask him if he can meet with me on a Saturday. He's unwilling to do so until I inform him that I'm shortly to go undercover and won't be able to meet with him again. I have to see him before I go. He agrees, grudgingly.

During the drive, I make a list of all the things I need to accomplish in 48 hours in New Jersey. I need to see my mother and Grandmother. I need to see my attorney. I need to visit my priest. I need to see Cupcake. I need to make arrangements for Bob. Those are the things I absolutely must do. Everything else is negotiable. I make good time and pull up to Momma's right before dinner.

"Ma?"

I see her head peek around the corner. "Joey! Where have you been? I've been worried sick. You weren't answering your phone, you weren't at home, and Bob's been looking pitiful."

I find Bob lying perfectly still in the living room. He jumps up to greet me and I'm covered in dog hair. Amazing. My mother can even get Bob to behave; I don't see evidence of tooth or nail marks anywhere.

My grandmother pulls me into her embrace. "My beautiful boy! It's good to see you. Here, come, eat! We have lasagna for you and meatballs. Angela, pour the wine. He looks starved." I don't but what can I say? My grandmother thinks Chris Christie is 'a growing boy.'

Grandma fixes the plates while Momma opens the wine. They begin filling me in on all the latest gossip, including the fact that Stephanie was spotted in Point Pleasant right after I left. I get close looks for that but I nod. Good. I expected it. Finally, as Momma pulls the tiramisu and gelato from the fridge, I ask them to sit down.

"I need to tell you both something and I need you to promise me, on my father's grave, that you will never repeat it to anyone outside this room. Regardless of what you hear, what you're asked, or the circumstances, you cannot tell a soul. You cannot hint at it. You aren't supposed to know and telling you could put you in danger but I have to tell you anyway." Asking them to swear on my father's grave immediately got the sign of the cross but they both nod. I can count on one hand the number of times I've asked them to swear on my father's grave so they know that whatever I'm about to tell them is serious.

"What is it Joey? What do we need to know?"

I tell them about this assignment, that it will last for an entire year, that they probably will not see me, and that the only other people in the entire state of New Jersey who know are the Chief of Police here and the head of the Street Gangs Task force in Newark. That's it; not even my boss is aware of what I'm up to. They both pale but nod. I give them my alias and allow them to look at the papers so they know my back story. I tell them I'm meeting with my attorney tomorrow to update my will. My mother agrees to care for Bob; I tell her she doesn't have to but she wants to.

Then I tell them who's running the op. I've never seen my mother turn that white and my grandmother immediately hits the floor with her rosary.

"**NO**! NO WAY! Absolutely not! Oh God Joey, that crazy man will have you killed! He'll kill you just so you can't marry Stephanie and we won't be able to prove anything! No, you cannot work this case! He won't let you come back alive!" My mother is sobbing, hysterical, and my grandmother is reciting the rosary through her tears. They're inconsolable. I calm them both and sit them back in the chairs. We concentrate on dessert for a few minutes while they pull themselves back together.

"Mañoso and I have talked. As far as he's concerned, he's in an untenable position. He has to ensure that I make it back alive because, according to him, if anything happens to me, if I never return home, you're right. The assumption will be that he somehow got to me and killed me, especially since there wouldn't be a trace. Plus, he cares about Stephanie. If I got killed on this case and he could have prevented it, he knows she will never forgive him. So it's in his best interest to keep me alive. I'm probably the safest agent on this case."

My mother is calming down as she considers the truth of those statements. Yet again, Cupcake is saving my life and just like last time, she has no clue. My grandmother is still reciting the rosary but she's calmer.

"He's already helped me out by showing me my room was bugged. So now I know that anything I say in my room is being monitored. It's the reason I haven't called. I needed you to be aware of my alias before you spoke to me so you couldn't give me away." My mother is calm now as she considers this. Mañoso holds my life in the palm of his hands but one false move and I can destroy his reputation forever, at least in New Jersey. "You will hear from me over the phone, just like always. I asked about keeping in touch with you and he agreed that regular contact with Momma makes a man look less suspicious. Especially if she's the nagging kind." I smile at her and I get a tiny smile in response.

The rest of dinner passes much more calmly. I've knocked two items off my checklist so I decide to strike while the fire is hot and go see Cupcake. There aren't any black SUVs in the parking lot and I don't see a Porsche. Good. I head up the stairs and knock on the door. Cupcake answers, looking a bit pale.

"Can I come in?" She moves back to let me through. No Mañoso, no RangeMen. Great. I timed this perfectly.

"Want some dessert? I have some chocolate silk pie." I nod and Cupcake fixes two plates and we sit. Plums show their love through desserts and pats. I'm hopeful about the fact that she shared dessert; she rarely shares her desserts.

"I'm not here to talk about our relationship. We've had that discussion." I see her relax and I'm not sure what to make of that. "I'm here because I need to tell you something in person." I give her the same information I just gave Momma and Grandma and she's less surprised. I'm betting Mañoso already told her. I thought he didn't tell her about his ops?

"I knew he was headed into an op," she says. "He told me it was at least a year, that it was domestic, and that it was extremely dangerous. That's all he told me. You've filled in all the blanks." OK. Mañoso tells her enough to make her worry but not enough to implicate her. Interesting.

"I need you to know that he's running the op, Steph. He literally has my life in his hands. I pass everything I learn back to him and I follow his orders so if I die, if I get killed while undercover, he will be the only person who knows and it will be because of his actions. No one else. I'm a damn good undercover agent; I've done this before. I know how to maintain cover but this is the first time I've had someone else directing my actions."

This is low, really shitty, but it's insurance. If she talks to him about the op then he'll know I've given myself some insurance to get home; Stephanie will be looking for me and holding him responsible. If she doesn't tell him, then she'll always wonder what happened to me if I don't come home and she'll know he had a hand in it.

"I know I said that it was your decision about our relationship but if at any time in the next year you decide you're ready to take the next step, just let my mother know that you'd like to take a vacation to Italy. That'll be the code to me that you're ready when I come home." Cupcake nods. I don't have anything else to say. I stand up and hug her close. I won't have the chance to look into those blue eyes or put my hands into that curly brown hair for a year. I'm trying to savor every moment I have now.

I finally leave and head home. I clean out the fridge entirely, try to clear out as much junk as possible and gather my bills. I call 800-numbers and start canceling services. I'll leave the water and electricity on but everything else can be cancelled. I pull my biggest suitcases and start to pack as much as I can. I need to buy some suits but I'll do that in Miami. I figured that if the government has just given me new credit cards, I can use them to look like a Miami cop.

Momma and Grandma appear downstairs. Grandma helps me pack (except my boxers. Some things are just too personal) and Momma starts organizing my bills, marking what's been cancelled and what needs to be cancelled. I hand her my file of important paperwork for safekeeping.

"What do you plan to do with the house over the next year, Joey?"

"I was just going to let it stand empty. Why?"

"I thought you could rent it. Make a little extra money."

I consider then reject this. Renting the house suggests I've gone somewhere, possibly undercover. I need it to appear that I'm totally gone. After all, I'll still be getting paid through the department. How would that square? Then again, if it appears that I'm missing my cop brothers will start a search for me and they won't stop until they find me. That's not good.

"OK Momma. Rent the house. You keep the money. I'm getting paid extra for this assignment from the feds." I smile. "And I'm living off their credit cards so all my money is going in the bank." She can probably get about $1200 a month for the house, more if she includes the utilities as part of the rent. It'll be nice to give her that extra bit of money for the year. Finally, just about everything is packed and ready. I don't head back to VA until Sunday night, so I agree to spend the next two nights at Momma's. I'm fed more dessert and tucked into bed.

The next morning, I met with my PBA attorney. I merely mentioned to him that I'm going undercover and that I need to update my will. I leave everything to my mother but I add a special proviso that if she dies within three years of my death, my estate passes in trust to my nieces and nephews under the joint direction of Angelina, Tony's wife, and my sister Cathy. In the event of my "legal" death, the same applies. Just in case they can't retrieve my body. That takes care of everyone; this was not going to be a long meeting. The will is witnessed, I have two copies made, and I leave for the station.

My entry into the station is met with cheers and ribbing from the guys. Everyone wants to know where I've been for the past three days. I catch my boss's eye and he stares at me then gives me a short nod. He's not pleased that he doesn't know what the hell is going on but he understands. He got his orders from on high like I did. I clean some things out of my desk which catches everyone's interest. Nothing case related, just personal so they all relax. We're shooting the shit when the call comes through. Gunshots fired in Franklin Park. A car has just exploded. Possible injuries.

We all race to the scene but we know what we'll see and true to form, Cupcake is on the ground bleeding and her car is on fire. I immediately begin running the scene with everyone else but I remember that any work I do I won't be able to follow up on so I stop. I go check on Cupcake. I see the black SUV pull up. She's not armed and she doesn't have backup. The guy is a violent drunk and abuser and I'm disgusted all over again because she still doesn't get it. Competent, that's all I ask for. Tank has arrived so after they leave, I leave. No need to stick around on this one.

Cupcake's close call just reminded me I needed to see my priest, so I head to Saint Stephen's. I'm just in time for Confessional and I'm there for at least 2 hours. It's been a while so I have a lot to confess. I sometimes wonder how priests can stand to hear everything that they do and not be tempted to gossip. The gossip that could come from a confessional would be outstanding.

I head to Momma's for dinner and they want to discuss Cupcake's latest disaster. I listen to their opinions and offer none. Around 8:30 I call in an order to Pino's and take it to her apartment. The locks have been changed so I'm forced to break in. The RangeMen have left a bottle of water and some pills by her bed and a note. She broke her leg and they've had it put in a cast. Is it wrong of me to be relieved? Broken legs take months to heal. She'll be alive when I get back home. I kiss the top of her curly head and leave, locking her back in. I return to my house, pack my suitcases into the Jeep and dump the trash.

I've done everything I had to do. I spend Sunday with Momma and Grandma and accompany them to Mass. We have a huge family dinner, with Tony and his family and Cathy and her husband. Everyone but me and Momma gets completely blotto. It's great to see everyone together. I have to leave tonight and it will be at least one year before I see everyone again. My Momma hugs me tight and she doesn't want to let go. I know. I'm hoping this is 'see you later' but it may very well be 'Good bye.'


End file.
